I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
