You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
