I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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