She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
