Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
