Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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