you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
