Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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