I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
