we have pet lesbian snakes
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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