My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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