You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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