do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize