and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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