I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
