I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Who wears a wallet chain?!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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