Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
