Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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