My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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