Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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