Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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