but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
