Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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