the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
