You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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