In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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