been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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