it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
