I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
