haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
