Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
