in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
