fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
