and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
