If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
