Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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