he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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