47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
