I wannas sexs uuuuu
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So squirting runs in the family.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
