Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
