he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
