i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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