i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
