Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
