i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
