I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
