R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
