Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
