Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
