soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
