I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
