Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
