she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize