i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
