She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Another day, another engagement, another cat
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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