You're a womanizer and a bitch.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize