Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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